Sorry for being late. Initially I was hesitant to write this post. It’s not that I couldn’t think of something to write. In fact, I knew, right of the bat, exactly what to write when our group decided this theme. Then why I’m late? Well, procrastination happened. But really I realized I wasn’t ready personally. I didn’t want to write empty, meaningless, insincere words…to write for the sake of writing some nice-encouraging-Christian-like words.
But now I’m giving this a try. A real try. A coming-from-the-real-100PercentFaith try.
Fear is a pretty broad subject. (I mean that’s why we picked this theme for this month.) I’m pretty sure there’s no one on Earth can claim that they have no fear whatsoever. That’s just bogus. Impossible. A lie.
Fear. Fear of spiders. Fear of heights. Fear of public speaking. Fear of failing. Fear of tests. Fear of you-name-it.
If you know me personally or have worked with me before, I think you can agree with me that a little bit of a control freak. I always send long emails to my teammates or start a Google doc to keep things in check. I take care of stuff. I try to stay afloat and not to sink. I really hate to see things not being taken care of. I really hate to just sit still and not do anything. I’m the type of person that would just go and do it when I see something that’s not right. Yep, I’m the aggressive one.
In some ways I would say this is one of my admirable qualities. But on the flip side, this is one of the 99 problems I’m struggling with. If you have read my last post on my personal blog, I’ve mentioned how burnt-out I got during my first year of college. I’ve never been so restless. Even when summer started couple weeks ago, I still felt like I have a huge burden on my shoulders. I’m not physically tired, but rather, mentally tired. I asked myself over and over again why I am so restless. And during one Sunday sermon, I got my answer. It directly correlates with my biggest fear.
Fear of losing control.
Being a control freak and a nerd, one of the things I try to control is my grades. Yea, it’s a good thing to be a hardworking student, right? Right. But not when I’m the type of students that would start to worry and panic because I’m on the verge of getting a B. (And to clarify, my parents do not care about my grades at all. All they hope for is that I pass and did my best.) I would start to worry that because my GPA is not good enough and no one would want to hire me in the future. I was pressuring myself to control something that sometimes is really out of my scope. I fail to realize that, in reality, I can never control the outcome. I just couldn’t let go and tell myself to just do my best and let God do the rest. I lost faith that my God will provide no matter if I get A’s, B’s, C’s, D’s, or F’s. All because of this fear of losing control. All because of wanting to stay in control of my present and future.
With that mentality, my intimacy, time, communication, and focus on God have been put off. I trade my quiet time with God for a mere 30 minutes of time for studying. I was too busy fearing of losing control of my future controlling my grades to the extent that I lost sight of my ultimate provider. I forgot about The Prince of Peace. I didn’t walk with God who is in control of everything and continues to light the way.
And you know the ironic thing is: by the time when the semester ended, I realize how all the worrying and stressing were unnecessary. The extra 30 minutes of studying was not worth the trade with my time with God. Because I became so restless. Purposeless. Lifeless.
However I do admit even now it’s really hard for me to humble myself and submit my own authority to God. But I know the more I refuse and try to take control, the more restless, stressed, and frustrated I will get. The more I try to take control with my own might, the more I lose control of myself.
And I would say this fear does not only apply to my academic life but personal life. Although I wish I have the gut to share some of them to you, I got to admit that I’m not ready to share them with you yet. (and also the danger of letting this post running 10 pages long.) So bear with me. Someday I will.
To end, I would like to encourage and remind myself and those who may be like me and going through the same situation with this bible verse:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
[Matthew 11:28-30 NIV]